


more than beliefs

by UncrownedKing



Series: chivalry [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Arguing, Guns, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Swearing, Swords, Torture, WELCOME TO CHIVALRY PART TWO LMAO, blunt force trauma, but also every chapter will have warnings for that chapter !, everyone gets mad at Janus but it's cool, im going to be honest i'm not done writing this story so thhis will be updated later, sword fights
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27980136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UncrownedKing/pseuds/UncrownedKing
Summary: Roman is, understandably, a mess. One of his boyfriends played him like a fiddle in front of Thomas, which accidentally ended up creating a rift in their polycule big enough to tear it in half. And seven of his advisors are angry with him. Roman doesn't know where to begin fixing this situation but if it has to start anywhere, it'll likely start with himself. He just has to believe in himself, right?But it's hard to hold beliefs when you don't know who to trust. He doesn't trust Janus. Doesn't trust Patton. Not Virgil, not Logan. Great Hades, Roman barely even trusts himself.[[this is the official sequel to chivalry is dead, which i 100% recommend you read before this (technically you don't have to, but it will help you understand who the OC's are)]]
Relationships: DLAMP, do i have to tag the relationships if they're my fuckin' oc's like damn son
Series: chivalry [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1389292
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. i wanna be like you

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: arguing, panic, crying, swearing — if i forgot any obvious ones, let me know!! 
> 
> GUESS WHO'S BACK WITH MORE ROMAN ANGST !!! happy as a clam that this one has the main sides <3 <3 <3 i hope you all enjoy it!

The days were undoubtedly different. 

They took it a little too fast. Or maybe a little too slow. Virgil couldn’t just sideline his distrust of Deceit. And, after being surprisingly patient for a few months, Deceit began to spin Virgil’s paranoia back onto himself. Sarcastic and snide comments arose every day, returned by a hiss, even sometimes a chide from Patton, until Virgil even got fed up with Patton’s pseudo-defense. Was he just mad at Deceit for being mean? Or did Patton think he was right? 

Things fell apart. Logan left quietly, all things considered. Roman tried to interrupt the arguments, only to upset everyone when he stated that it was a round the group’s fault. 

The wedding, approaching, also made his stomach tie knots. He should be going to a call-back. He should be achieving the one thing he’s ever set out to achieve — Thomas’ dreams. But Roman didn’t want to bring the group down, not when Virgil and Patton were so happy with how things had turned out. Logan was understandably disgruntled by having been sidelined, but after he was the hero against Roman’s brother (who, despite being turned away by Thomas, was ecstatic about finally being known), he found something like peace. 

When the wedding came, when it was the day, Roman tried not to be a downer, honest. But it was just so hard. Watching Lee and Mary Lee commit their love while Thomas himself had none was not easy. 

And then Patton’s insistence that the event had gone swimmingly only ground Roman’s already thin patience down to a dust. Through sheer control he didn’t snap, and with the slow recognition at how thin Patton’s own mental health had dissolved in trying to rationalize his desires surrounding this issue. It was hard. That was easy to know, this was all hard!

Janus’ involvement didn’t help in the slightest. Roman wasn’t going to trust that snake again. People took sides, har har, willingly or not. Logan danced around the argument. Virgil, certain that Janus had fallen back on old manipulative habits, lunged at the chance to vilify him. Patton argued back. Roman himself tried to stay out of the arguments — it wasn’t that he couldn’t pick a side, but just remembering the events of that day drove a spike into his heart such that he simply couldn’t face it.

At least Janus accepted that. Patton kept trying to get Roman to apologize, to face Janus and apologize for laughing at him. Perhaps that had been a mistake. Roman knew it was wrong, he knew he shouldn’t have laughed, that’s why he did it. And that made it worse. He knew it would be mean. He hadn’t anticipated how harshly Janus would respond, hadn’t recognized how vile his decision to laugh was. Well, he did, but….

Why? Why did he want so desperately to hurt Janus? Was it revenge? Roman didn’t understand. He wasn’t evil — he WASN’T. So why did he have an evil reaction and, more importantly, why did he  _ want _ to have an evil reaction?

It was easy to dance around having to analyze his actions when the arguments were repetitive. Roman should apologize, Janus should apologize, Janus didn’t really do anything wrong, how can you say he didn’t do anything wrong, what did he do wrong, why should we have to spell it out for you, two wrongs don’t make a right. Over and over and over. How was Roman supposed to trust any of them? Virgil was the only one to really look out for him. And even then, when would Virgil leave him, too? Roman was so high strung they should just start considering him a second Anxiety.

Things changed when Logan finally stepped in. 

The argument had started the same as they always do. Roman wanted to hide in his room for the remainder of it. Poor Logan had been sitting in the living room reading before Virgil exited. Patton was washing some dishes after Roman had cooked dinner and was subtly, not so subtly, trying to hint that Roman should apologize. After all, they loved him, it was obvious enough. Patton loved him. Thomas loved him. Roman shouldn’t hold a grudge like this. 

Roman didn’t think it was so obvious, but he’d stopped talking during these arguments. Why would he need to talk? Virgil was arguing his side, but Virgil was also just going to speak over him, anyway. It didn’t feel like something Roman should waste his already low energy on. 

Virgil, true to form, had left the living room to lean over the kitchen counter and argue back at Patton. Why should Roman apologize to the dickweed who led him on? Built him up literally just to tear him down? Used him like a paper towel?

That wasn’t what Janus did! 

Of course that’s what he did, where the fuck have you been, Patt? 

Stop swearing! And maybe he lied here and there, and maybe lies are wrong, but he was trying to get us to understand something really important.

Janus entered after Virgil, while the voices were loud. Roman picked up his plate, tried to leave behind Virgil and Patton, and found his exit blocked by Janus himself. It was the first time they’d made eye contact in a week or so since the wedding and Roman didn’t like it one bit.

“Excuse me,” his voice was quiet, not wanting to start an argument, but then Virgil turned back and pointed into the living room. 

“Logan, back me up here,” he called. 

Logan closed his book and rubbed the bridge of his nose. 

“I try not to get involved in your emotionally saturated arguments,” he responded. 

Patton didn’t seem to think that was enough, though. “Awh, Logan, you haven’t weighed in on this one at all. We want to hear your lowdown here!”

Logan gave him a withering stare, a harsh scowl, and Patton shrugged sheepishly. The puns just came naturally, it seemed, despite how upset Logan seemed to be over how he had been relegated to small text boxes on screen. Roman watched him, too, and it seemed that Janus had turned to face him as well. While he may not have had an audience then, he certainly did now. Logan’s eyes bounced between all of them before looking at his closed book. 

“I cannot pick a side. The most beneficial thing for Thomas would be for us to most past this,” he said. “Clearly, you’re incapable of working together efficiently once we do.”

Patton frowned. “So you want us to do that suppression thing?”

“Repression. And no, that’s not what I mean. The easiest solution would be for Roman to apologize and move beyond something as trivial as these tests to his personal ego. Janus’ function is deceit. You cannot be surprised when he lies to you.”

Roman didn’t really hear any words that were exchanged after that. He dropped his plate. 

His ego was trivial. Logan probably had to make sure he said “personal” because, you know, Roman was also Thomas’ ego? Wasn’t his whole job to be egotistical? Wasn’t that part of it? 

Was Logan calling him stupid? What….what the fuck? Roman, for once, found himself at a loss of words. 

“Look what you did!” Virgil’s snappy voice pierced through the veil of confusion and gave Roman his solution—he wanted out.

“I don’t understand what he’s so emotional about,” Logan clarified, but he seemed to have upset even Patton.

“I think being upset is understandable, Teach, he’s got pretty good reasons to be sad.”

Now Virgil rounded on Patton. “So  _ now _ we’re gonna acknowledge Roman’s emotions? I thought we were all for just brushing this under the fucking rug.” Roman didn’t want to listen to this any more than he had to. 

Someone put a hand on his shoulder. Roman shrugged them off before noticing that it was Janus, but that only made Roman push him away with a more firm hand. He shoved Virgil to the side, too, and hurried into his room. He slammed the door shut amidst the shouting. He didn’t know if it was at him or at someone else, but he didn’t want to hear it, so the Imagination soundproofed his room. 

He slid down the door, letting go of the handle as the Imagination simply removed it. It probably put the door somewhere else. Or maybe it moved his room to somewhere out of the castle, temporarily. 

Roman was letting his ego get in the way. 

He couldn’t shatter. He’d already done that. But this didn’t feel like a shattering situation. He wasn’t in conflict. Was he? 

His breath was the only sound. 

Slowly, Roman wiped his eyes, marveling at how wet his hand became. He was crying? 

What was happening? 

Roman choked down a sob and turned around, pulling himself to his feet. 

The room wasn’t so regal lately. The bed was pushed into the corner, a wide window that shone over a cliff face. There were hanging lights from the ceiling, a door-sized bookshelf as per his and Remus’ agreement, and the desk. He didn’t even have any photos up. The walls were bland, a weird cream color, and he didn’t...where even was this cliff? He didn’t remember making it in any of his stories. It was quite telling that his room couldn’t even fit itself into a narrative. What was the point of fitting Roman anywhere? He didn’t feel much like a prince, not after doing something so willingly villainous and not with how often these sorts of angry conflicts revolved around him. He hated it, actually. What kind of prince was the villain?

He needed help. He’d already talked to some of the others about this — Draco was so angry with Janus, a burning passion stoking fire in his heart and eyes, and Phillip had been disapproving of Roman’s anger and his readiness to, in his words, “act the dramatic child that everyone thought he was.” 

All of the group seemed surprised at his decision to laugh, considering Eric’s cold remark that he should grow a mustache, one that Cadence did not approve of, despite how Cadence too regarded Roman warily. David and Marlowe shrugged it off (well, that was a lie, but Marlowe had been gently echoing the sentiment that Logan had proclaimed, and David seemed to share Draco’s fury, but the impasse that the two reached was to simply move on) so there weren’t many places that Roman could turn to for support and he was certain that the Child would listen, maybe even agree. But even Gavin had been disappointed by Roman’s reaction. Some role model he was. 

Macbeth was not, was the only one who hadn’t been stiff with Roman as of late. Roman had only brought it up once and Macbeth shrugged. “It sounded like he deserved it” was what Macbeth had said.

Roman needed that kind of solace right now. He summoned a blanket, pulled it around his shoulders, and locked his door when he heard a knock. He didn’t care. The other door in his room, the one that led to the Imagination fully, clicked open and he pulled himself off of the ground and out into the world. 

He was one of the only people who had constant access to Macbeth’s home. It was underground, far away from the rest of the city. Roman could understand the desire for solitude. He stepped through and closed the door behind him, knocking on the stone wall. He was in Macbeth’s living room, a plush sofa pressed against a wall with a projector screen pulled down in front of the wall. It was a small room, nice and cozy. There was a modern lamp in the corner. Macbeth was more modern, disconnected from the world’s medieval theming, and Roman respected that. It was a nice change of pace that didn’t require any changes of settings. Though he could easily see someone like Marlowe objecting.

Macbeth didn’t live in a place that was easily found, but for his prince, for Roman, he said he was always accessible. 

“Macbeth?” he called out, voice cracking , “Are...Are you here?”

“Roman?” Macbeth shouted back, from the other room. 

The door beside the projector opened, Macbeth stepping out, hurrying to Roman’s side. It must be a surprise to have him entering without any discussion. Macbeth put his hands on Roman’s arms, frowning up at him. “What’s wrong, Prince Roman?”

Roman’s lip wobbled. He didn’t know if he had it in him to explain. 

“The Mind Palace has been….just a bit much,” he tried for a smile, but it must have been obvious that Roman was crying earlier, because Macbeth winced at the attempt.

What was wrong with his Prince? Macbeth was a little shorter than Roman, just barely, and he rubbed the bottom of one of Roman’s eyelids gently with his thumb. That was how Roman realized how actually close they were. 

It was a bit of a weird feeling. Macbeth wasn’t exactly hugging him, but he was right there, and Roman so very much needed a hug, so he leaned in and pressed his face into Macbeth’s shoulder. He could feel Macbeth’s arms wrap around his back after that, rubbing soothing circles into his shoulder with one hand. 

“Just a little much, huh?” Macbeth’s voice was smooth and calm, like ice on the burns, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He probably should. That would make him feel better, right? Roman knows that that was how it was supposed to work. 

“I’d….” he spoke, and then his throat clogged, tightening against his will. “Mm.”

He sniffed. Roman had to talk about it, but maybe not right now. Thinking too much about it, about how quickly Logan had dismissed him, dismissing the absolute trench in his trust for Janus, Deceit, he had a name but did he even deserve a name when all he was was Deceit, all he did was deceive, he’d lied, he had LIED to Roman, and now Patton just expected him to trust him? After all of that? Virgil was right, how could they have ever trusted that snake. 

Roman was crying again before he knew it, sniffling quietly against Macbeth’s shoulder. He almost felt bad. Macbeth’s coat was hanging by the door on a rack, so he was just getting his turtleneck wet, and that must be so annoying. Why was he even wasting the Director’s time with this? He could just go to the castle. It wouldn’t be like Phillip or Draco would check on him. And he could just lock the door. He wouldn’t have to bother anyone. 

He wouldn’t have to be shoving his oversized ego into anyone’s face. Roman could just squeeze into one room, make the door disappear, and no one would be the wiser. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m here for you,” Macbeth whispered, and he tightened his hold on Roman for a little, giving him a squeeze.

“I didn’t know where else to go. The Damsel and the Dragon would have—I don’t think I can handle the-their disappointment right now,” that was true, at least. 

If he had the misfortune to cross any of his other advisors’ paths, Roman knew he’d be met with immediate disappointment. I mean, how many breakdowns could he have? How many times would his regalia be called into question? 

“That’s okay. You can stay here,” Macbeth pulled away, holding Roman’s shoulders and brushing his arms down with a warm smile, “I’ll make you a bedroom and a bed, and you can stay here for as long as you need, Roman. When you feel ready to talk about it, I’m here for that, too.”

So kind. Roman put a hand on Macbeth’s, trying to meet his smile. “Thank you, Macbeth,” he said.

Macbeth shrugged, as though the olive branch offering had been of no consequence to him. As though it were so easy to extend trust and support. 

Why was that so hard for the other Sides to understand? 

“Any time. I’m one of your advisors, too, you know. Now go sit down, I’ll make you some hot chocolate.”


	2. love is an open door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: arguing, yelling, allusions to suicide, depression, panic — I think that's everything of note, but please let me know if there're any others! 
> 
> me: haha excited to write the actual sides again!!  
> also me: how the fuck do i write the actual sides again???  
> anyways enjoy me remembering how to write janus :') also, i'm like., so close to 200k i could cry, and that means i have well over 200k in my drafts for this already, so like!!! so exciting!!!! 
> 
> hope you enjoy!!! <3 <3 <3
> 
> edit: idk why i keep forgetting, but there's a blog for this au,.,. if u wanna, u can find it at areweevercameraready.tumblr.com . and there, there is Art! hope you like the new chapter!

Closed doors were never a good sign in the Sanders Mindscape, least of all Roman’s. Okay, yeah, they all needed privacy at some point. After the breakup, they’d all been sleeping with doors closed. But the sight of Roman’s closed door and everyone surrounding it seemed so familiar that none of them could really shake the blanket of dread that leveled over their shoulders, even after these months after his splitting incident. 

You know, the totally normal occurrence of your lover disintegrating and turning into seven versions of himself in some weird duel to the death. The seven advisors—the Playwright, Bard, Thief, Child, Artist, Dragon, Damsel—holding pieces of Roman as he tried to figure out which part of himself to kill. How….destructive. Janus’ hands were clenched in his sleeves, mouth pressed into a firm line as his throat ran dry at the thought. The memory. Panic. 

He was only doing what was best for Thomas and Roman. Sure it….sure, it hurt Roman, fine. He’ll concede that. But how come Roman didn’t understand that it was steps toward a larger problem than just himself?

“You shouldn’t have been so harsh on him for feeling hurt, Logie,” Patton clicked his tongue, even though worry laced his voice, “That can’t be the actual problem here.”

“Well, the underlying problem would have been greatly mitigated had you all not been blinded by your emotional intricacies,” Logan responded. “We do what’s right for Thomas.”

His hand fiddled with the end of his tie, while the other stayed straight by his side. Virgil was shaking in front of him, all of them. 

As soon as Roman slammed his door shut, Virgil shoved around Janus and Patton to the door. He’d tried the handle, though it seemed that Roman locked it, probably not wanting to be disturbed. That sounded fair. And Janus and Patton had slowly migrated out of the kitchen, until they were standing around Virgil in a semi-circle of regret and tension. Logan stood, if only to be included in the situation. 

“You don’t get to tell us how important emotions are,” Virgil hissed quietly, without turning around.

Logan pursed his lips. While that was fair—in the situation where he had no emotions, of course—he felt it was unnecessarily rude of Virgil to point out. He was about to retort, something likely about how it was Logan’s job to provide input on all of their ridiculous semantics, how he was the only one to be able to think clearly through this situation and if Roman had just not interrupted him with his own dramatics, then perhaps they would all be in a more sophisticated mindset.

Until Janus butted in. As usual. 

“As much as logic exists without emotions, Logan the facet still feels,” Janus was rubbing his hands against each other carefully, thinking while he starred past Virgil and at the door, “None of us should have been arguing in front of him. Roman’s never been able to separate our debates from himself.”

“Oh, like you care about Roman after using him in another one of your stupid schemes,” Virgil glared at Janus over his shoulder quickly and Janus got the fastest glimpse of Virgil’s eyes, red as he fought back tears. 

He must be incredibly stressed if he’s crying. Janus couldn’t really blame him. 

Janus hated that a part of him wanted to pull Virgil into a hug. Virgil couldn’t see that he was doing all of this for Thomas, that he had been arguing for the betterment of Thomas’ future, until Roman shot himself in the foot! Of course he wouldn’t like the wedding! Janus had been trying to overlook the idiocrity on Roman’s behalf of choosing the wedding, just to appease Patton and to go against himself, but his behavior in their most recent decision had been downright disrespectful. And Janus was not one to put more work into relationships than he got back. 

Hadn’t they wasted enough time trying to appease everyone when they tried their little trick into polyamory? When they’d tried to give into the wan parts of themselves that wanted to love each other? 

It didn’t work, and it wasn’t going to work, and Janus was done trying to force it to work. 

Now only if he could kill that stupid little part of his selfishness that wanted to make sure the others were okay.

Logan reached one had out, patting Janus’ front once as he explained. It took every ounce of control in his body to not full-out slap him for interrupting; more often than not, Logan was finding himself on the cut-off end of a microphone and he hated it. Especially as he watched situations crash and burn without his input, often to Janus’ success.

Ridiculous, that they once worked together. “I didn’t get to finish my verdict earlier,” Logan stated, and even Janus looked surprise at how cold his voice was. “Roman’s ego is preventing him from seeing how Janus’ original argument was correct, but Janus, your method was so incredibly flawed that it may not matter. Manipulating Thomas’ hopes and dreams in an effort to force him into self-care is never going to work with Patton and Virgil.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Patton asked, putting his hands on his hips. 

“I mean that you and Virgil try to keep Thomas from doing things that would hurt other people. Well, sans the occasional fight or flight response, of course,” Logan gestured vaguely to Virgil before continuing, “You both are concerned for how Thomas is perceived by other people. I know that this is something you’re now working on, but we must understand that Thomas has to balance his own desires with the desires of those around him. He cannot have both in every situation and, sometimes, he must choose himself.”

Janus sighed. He had crossed his arms, listening listlessly to Logan’s explanation. Of course, the man was probably right. For someone who touted having no emotions, Logan’s ability to analyze and understand problems of any sort, including that of the emotional variety, were key to handling any outbursts. Unspoken was the issue of when Logan himself had outbursts, but Janus didn’t have it in his mind to deal with that with some sort of immediacy. 

“Well, great,” Virgil said, “Thanks for the explanation, but what do we do now? Roman’s not exactly around to hear it.”

“I mean, I suggest we let him deal with himself until he unlocks his door,” Logan said with a deadpan voice, “While leaving him to his own devices hasn’t been a perfect strategy, approaching him immediately after insult likely won’t lend to him wanting to listen to us.”

“I get real scared about leaving him alone, though,” Patton responded. 

He teetered on his feet slightly. It felt….it made the hairs raise on the back of his neck to think of Roman alone like this. What must he be feeling? 

“I’m sure that he wouldn’t be opposed to you visiting in a few hours,” Logan put a soft hand on Patton’s shoulder, voice more gentle. It sounded like he understood Patton’s worry better than Virgil’s or Janus’, that was for certain. “If it will make you, er. Feel better. I am happy to join and explain my reasoning. Hopefully he’ll listen then.”

Hopefully. 

Patton wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He’d spent the past few days screaming in his room, screaming straight into a few of the pillows on his bed and crying on them so much that it warranted changing his sheets. It wasn’t the most pleasant, you know! 

It’s just….everything was so complicated. And he didn’t like it when people were upset, least of all when he was the one upsetting people, but he couldn’t catch a break with Roman. He needed to make sure Roman knew he was loved. But at every turn, either Roman ignored him or Virgil jumped in to keep them separate. Virgil wasn’t even there when they were arguing, he showed up for the whole wedding then disappeared! What did he know about….everything? 

Patton just wanted to talk to Roman, to make sure he was okay, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that he wasn’t. And that made it even worse. Because if Roman was not okay then Patton wanted to give him the world’s biggest hug and maybe some more cookies and maybe some kisses and every bit of promise that he’d make the world okay with his own two hands for Roman. 

But that all meant he had to look at himself and see that he was helping make it bad. HE had upset Roman! Well, not him, but Janus, but Patton knew Janus was trying to make him see that he was hurting himself and hurting Thomas, and didn’t Roman understand that? Didn’t Roman understand what it was like to be hurting himself? 

It was all so complicated. Patton wanted, above all, to crawl beneath a blanket with everyone and to let himself rest amid their love. 

But everyone says these things are impossible. So all he does is pat Logan’s arm and sigh.

“Think he’d listen if I gave him my Patton-ted chocolate chip cookies?” he asked, frown dissolving as he turned to Logan with a grin. 

Logan sighed, though he shook his head with a small smile. “I can’t see how or why he could reject those,” he mused quietly.

Eugh. Out of everyone in their cute little couple, Logan and Patton, surprisingly, were the ones who managed to bounce back together the fastest. Logan’s temper got the better of him on the fine occasion, but Patton wasn’t one to back down nor to properly instigate a fight. 

Good for them. Virgil tried not to be bitter over it. Neither did Janus. Both were failing miserably. 

Neither knew how Roman felt. Come to think of it, did any of them really check in on Roman? 

“Right,” Virgil turned around, glancing over everyone — well, everyone but Janus, because fuck that snake bastard. “I might. Go in and try to find him.”

That was fair. It was in Virgil’s nature to be overly careful, after all. It wasn’t that Logan was not worried about Roman, too. It was just that….well, after his dramatic exit out of the room, Logan was hesitant to believe that Roman wanted to see another person again so soon.

That didn’t stop him and even Patton from worrying, though. Patton held his arm a little tighter even. He was probably remembering the last time Roman disappeared. 

Logan wouldn’t let it get to that point again, though. One day seemed like enough time to let Roman stew in his negative feelings and thoughts, however volatile they are. Remembering….last time, Logan knew they had the capacity to be pretty fucking volatile. 

“Of course. Let us know if you need any assistance. Though you might have trouble getting into the Imagination, as a location,” Logan tilted his head, “Unless you know of another entrance?”

“I used to sneak into it through Remus’ room, when I had to help make nightmares,” Virgil shrugged, “Hate going in there but I can probably make it through. And I’m not….”

How could he explain it? The itching sense of dread he got whenever he saw Roman’s door closed? He was certain no one else could see it or feel it. The swelling pit of fear over these arguments, the tension and the pure anger at knowing he should have worked harder to protect everyone. He barely even noticed how high strung Patton was becoming over the wedding situation, he was so worried over Roman, and now Virgil couldn’t solve both issues at once.

Every time he looked at that closed door, all he could think of was the bloodshed. A part of Roman had stabbed him last time. One had set the whole castle on fire to try and kill all of them. What does it mean, for Roman to have parts of his psyche who hate him so much that they want him dead? Isn’t that part of depression’s definition?

He didn’t want to keep failing to keep them safe. Keep Thomas safe and in line. Virgil shrugged, avoiding looking at the group once more when he added “I don’t want to leave Roman alone for too long.”

“We could just ask Remus,” Janus suggested, to which Virgil shot him an intense glare.

Leave it to Janus to be a fucking prick.

“I’d rather ask him to cut off my legs than for help, and especially about Roman. You know they hate each other,” Virgil shook his head, “If Roman’s not feeling good, then I’m not going to tell his enemy about it.”

So touchy. Janus rolled his eyes. “You’re so overdramatic about him. All Remus would do is probably kill him in that impermanent Imagination way he does,” he sighed. 

There wasn’t any real reason to antagonize Virgil, but it sure did make Janus feel better in the immediate. With even Logan and Patton giving him strange looks, Janus waved his hand and turned around. “Suit yourself. Give me a ring if you find Roman’s dead body or something similarly interesting.”

And then he sauntered back to the kitchen, failing to retrieve his breakfast earlier after being sidelined by yet another argument. Logan and Patton watched him, and Patton was the first to follow. 

Virgil didn’t catch the minute ways that Logan’s posture slumped, tired, upset. Arguing was ever so tiring. Logan glanced at Virgil, still starring at Roman’s bedroom door, and slowly made his way back to his room. The soft click of his room’s lock went unnoticed. 

That left Virgil alone in the corridor, glaring at Roman’s closed door for a few more seconds before turning away. He’d need to put on shoes if he was going to break into Remus’ room.


	3. one jump ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: allusions to the break up and angst, I don't actually think there's much in this one! if you find anything that does warrant tagging though, definitely let me know!!
> 
> also ! as you might have noticed, the upload schedule's been a bit scuffed. i'm trying to keep a few chapters ahead of the actual upload (currently i've got this written up to chapter 7!) but i started a New Job and am trying to get the ropes of like, having hobbies, having job, etc. hopefully this will be the longest break between uploads and hope you enjoy!
> 
> love y'all!!! <3 <3 <3

Getting to Remus’ room was actually a lot easier than one might think. In a literal sense, at least. None of their rooms were attached to the main room — what Patton lovingly called the living room, despite Logan’s assertion that people technically live in every room of the house. Sometimes, Sides would keep their doors attached to the living room. Roman’s often was, Patton’s was nearly always. Before being accepted, Virgil kept his room separate to dissuade visitors, but after Patton’s invitation (more like insistence) he started leaving the room connected save for the occasional panic attack. 

Logan would only keep his room connected when he had to. Otherwise—and especially when he was focusing on a task—he would disconnect the room for the same reason. Janus never kept his room connected. He had told Patton that he preferred the opportunity for isolation. For a similar reason, Remus kept his room disconnected, too. 

That wasn’t to say that their rooms were inapproachable. One would just have to think about the Side to visit their room, same as how Thomas would get to their rooms, so Virgil knew very well how to get to Remus’ room. From there, it was a matter of if the room was locked or not, and he knew full well that Remus had only ever locked his room a handful of times. 

Virgil slowly, carefully, turned the handle. There was no knife that came flying from a distance, so it seemed that Remus was out. Good. He let a breath out, one he didn’t realize he was holding, and crept in.

Remus’ room was typically a death trap. He changed it up almost more than Roman, though he definitely changed it in more drastic ways. Pits of spikes, wall-length cobwebs, random Tesla coils that shot electricity around the room, anything was fair game here. Once, only once, Virgil saw it like a normal bedroom. Exactly once. 

Now was much the same. He grit his teeth, looking around the hurricane that was Remus’ living space, and moved fast toward the Imagination’s entrance. Quite the room. Virgil didn’t want to think too hard about it as he moved through, surprised and off-put by its design. While his room’s layout often changed, similar to Roman, there only a few constants. Traps of some kind, the wall of weaponry (that, unknown to Virgil, led to Roman’s room), and the mirror. Roman’s entrance to the Imagination was similar, a door or passageway. Remus’ was often a mirror. 

Virgil slipped his feet across the tiles with the expertise of someone who had snuck into Remus’ room a thousand times before. He used to visit on invitations. It’s been a while, though, since that were true for them both. 

He tried not to think too hard about his deteriorated friendships, though. This would be the worst place for him to be consumed by more anxieties. Plus he had to focus on helping Roman. 

While Roman’s entrance to the Imagination was new, leff often used by Virgil, he did know how to make sure he appeared in the right spot with this door. Usually he would have it take him to a small secluded corner of the Imagination, beyond both Roman and Remus’ reach, so he could create new fears. Now, though, he pulls closer to the border. The line drawn in the Imagination’s sand between two kingdoms. Remus and Roman themselves, if they put effort in, can appear in each other’s sides. Without them, though, well. The door was a door that could only open in its designated opening area, and this one happened to be openable only on Remus’ side of the Imagination.

There’s no fall. there’s not even a zap or sound. Virgil puts his hand on the mirror’s cool surface and slowly steps through it like a thick fog, and then he’s on a bridge. 

Behind him is a tall lone tower atop a hill. Remus’ castle. Below the tower itself is more to the castle, Virgil knows, but it’s all about the imposing imagery. That’s what Remus has told him before. 

In front of him is the bridge, with a misty fog further forward, separating Roman and Remus’ original worlds. They had other universes within the Imagination, of course, but Virgil didn’t know how to travel to them alone. If Roman were somewhere else, he’d need help getting there. If those were alternative universes, though, Virgil figured this was something like canon. Did AU’s have canons? Could you have an AU of an AU? 

He didn’t know. It felt weird to think about while in a fanfiction, something something callback joke, something something fourth wall, and Virgil shrugged it off. 

Either way, this was as close to Roman’s side as he could get to from Remus’ room, and that was all he needed. Virgil started slowly across the bridge, doing his best to not look down, unless he see the bottomless pit toward the Subconscious. 

Things could cross the divide, but Remus’ world ended in the cliff, the bottomless cliff that led to forgotten thoughts. The bridge was the only physical connection in this default Imaginative land between two kingdoms, so there were sometimes passages between ideas, thoughts, Characters, monsters, nightmares. Virgil wondered if that was a problem, ever. Did any of Roman’s characters ever cross over accidentally and find themselves at the business end of a morning star? He didn’t know. Maybe something from Remus’ collection had escaped. 

The fog grew thick near the center. Virgil kept his head down, eyes on the stones of the bridge, and he continued on until the sunlight from Roiman’s side hit his head. 

Safe. 

Virgil sighed, wiping his face. He tried not to be too surprised when he pulled back a slightly wet sleeve. It had been a very stressful day. Few weeks. Month. Year. Existence. Logan said that heightened stress was understandable. Understand it. Damnit. 

Almost there. Virgil could see the looming tree in the distance, sticking out of the wilderness like a beacon. On Roman’s side, there was a cliff as well, but there was also a large waterfall. Hm. Scenic. That might be the river beside the Thief’s—Eric’s—Tree. Interesting. 

Once Virgil’s feet set down on the dearth path of land, he lets out the rest of the breath he’d been holding and continues off toward the Tree. 

Of course, Eric is likely to stab him. Virgil couldn’t imagine that any of Roman’s advisors were very pleased with any of them lately, especially if they’d been holding steady to their promise to take care of and advise Roman. Maybe they would be nicer to him, but Virgil feels like he doesn’t deserve kindness, either. He was the one who let Roman’s ego crumble, after all. He wasn’t there.

Sure, yeah, he helped push to get Nico’s attention. Roman’s on talking terms with him. But, c’mon, Virgil shouldn’t have let it get this bad. And if Virgil hadn’t torn him down years ago, then maybe Roman wouldn’t be falling so hard now. Maybe his confidence wouldn’t have to be faked. Virgil should have DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and tried not to think about it, tried not to think about the many ways he could have and should have preserved Roman. It makes the walk shorter, going toward the tallest point in the sky. He’d never approached from this angle, but once he found the river, it wasn’t….too hard. 

The Tree hadn’t changed in the slightest. Tall, taller than anything else in the entire forest. The walls from where Virgil could see were all bark, betraying nothing of the home that existed inside. He stepped closer, running his hand along the exterior and walking until he found the chalky finish of the door. Then, he knocked.. 

Now, he had a fifty-fifty chance that he actually be heard out, ignoring the wildcard situation where the Child opened the door. It must be luck that the Bard opened the door, slight at first, then wider when he saw Virgil. 

“Oh. Virgil,” hearing his actual name fall out of the Bard’s mouth was a surprise, to say the least, “What….are you doing here?”

Maybe it was the shock.

Virgil hadn’t seen him in a while. After the break up, there weren’t many chances nor reasons for Virgil to go into the Imagination. Things just sort of...went back to how they were. With the added downside that Roman was even more distant, and for very good reason, since they kind of broke his heart. 

Cadence, the Bard, looked similar to the last time Virgil saw him. It must be a home day, though, because his dreadlocks were up in one thick ponytail, and he was only wearing foundation and eyebrows in ways of make up. He had on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, too. Not as dressy as Virgil knew the Bard would usually go out in.

“I, uh….” Virgil stuttered out.

He. Forgot. Honestly. Honestly, he forgot that it was kind of fucking weird for him, Virgil, someone with no actual entry into the Imagination, to be here, inside of the Imagination, knocking on the Bard’s door. Cadence’s door. Well, Eric and Cadence’s door. Cadence was the Bard. They had  _ names _ , they were more than just pieces of Roman now. And this was technically the Thief’s house. Virgil didn’t remember when the Bard moved in, but he didn’t remember much of the time when the Bard didn’t live here, too. 

“How’d you even get in here?” Cadence asked, peeking his head out of the Tree and looking around, “Is…Did Roman let you in?”

“No, uh,” Virgil popped his lips. Cadence hadn’t seen Roman is what that probably meant. Okay. There were only like, three actual places Virgil thought to look for Roman, and this cleared one of them. “No. I’m actually looking for Roman. He ran away earlier, locked himself in his room for a few hours. I’m not risking another breakdown, so...yeah.”

Cadence frowned. Virgil tried not to be too anxious about what that meant, but then Cadence opened the door up some more. “Do you want to come in? Looks like a storm might be rolling in,” he said, and Virgil nodded. 

That wasn’t very comforting. He was glad Cadence wasn’t turning him away, though. Most of Roman’s advisor squad were pretty heated with the other Sides, last Virgil heard. Marlowe had stopped writing to Logan in that book unless it was absolutely necessary. Phillip banned Janus from the castle, too, apparently. He’d been very polite about it. Either Janus could leave of his own volition, or Phillip would simply have to dismember him. 

Yeah, it was fair to say none of them were on very kind terms with the Sides, not after the absolute bullshit Roman bad been put through. Virgil couldn’t stand it. That’s probably why they were at least lukewarm with him. 

Virgil followed Cadence up the foyer stairs to the living room, where Gavin was laying on the couch, propped up on some pillows awhile he played on what looks like a phone. Which is pretty funny. Virgil didn’t realize that like. Technology existed? He had his suspicions about the medieval setting thing last time, given how there was an electric stovetop in the Tree, but it was wild to just….see a phone. Huh. 

He’s just fixating on things that can distract him from his forefront worries, sure, yeah.

“Here, sit down. You want anything to eat? Drink?” Cadence asked, making a gesture at the kitchen. 

Virgil shakes his head. “No, I’m okay,” he slid down onto one of the bean bags that they had, snuggling into it a bit, “Thanks.”

Cadence nodded, then sat besides Gavin, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. He really didn’t expect company, evident from the loose sweatpants and tank top that he was wearing, but Virgil was a little surprised to see his face done up with make up. The anxieties over how he looked really ran deep with Cadence. In all fairness, though, Virgil didn’t exactly expect to be here, either. 

“So. What do you mean Roman’s missing?” Cadence started. 

“Earlier, there was, uh, an argument. Logan got involved this time. I think what he said really pissed Roman off, ‘cause he went into his room and locked the door. I don’t like leaving Roman alone for longer than a few hours. Not without at least checking on him that he’s okay, you know?” Cadence nodded to Virgil’s assertion. 

Gavin was watching him now, too, over the phone. Virgil caught his eye quickly, and Gavin ducked behind the phone’s screen. 

“He didn’t answer the door when I knocked. I waited a bit, and I figured he came in here, so, uh. I broke in. Through Remus’ side,” Virgil wracked his brain thinking of anything else he might need to add, “I think that’s it.”

Then, Gavin stood up, quickly scampering off to the stairs. Cadence watched him run, shoulders loosening a little. It must be nice for the kid to get lost. He’s a bit of a liability, Virgil figured. This was kind of a grown up discussion? Wouldn’t want to worry the kid over something like this.

Though, the Child was one of Roman’s advisors. He might know a thing or two about why Roman’s so upset.

“Well,” Cadence sighed, “I don’t know if Roman’s in the Imagination, to be honest. I haven’t gone to any of the other worlds today. Haven’t even left here, yet. I’m starring in a show tonight so I’ve just been try’na memorize my lines. My line Beowulf might’ve seen him in the castle.”

Ah, there’re the Bard’s classic nicknames. Probably alluding to Eric? Cadence said ‘my,’ right? Virgil had no idea who Beowulf was.

As open as Cadence was being, too, and as much as Virgil knew that he wasn’t the target of all the Roman advisors’ ire, he also had a….feeling. That there was still some tension with him. Was there? 

Why did he come here, he was the fucking worst at resolving issues. Virgil tugged at the sleeves of his hoodie, playing with the zipper on his right arm to release some of his nervous tension.

“Eric’s at the castle?” He didn’t really know why Eric would be there, but it’d be good to at least get the facts in order. It was kind of hard for Virgil to decipher those nicknames, after all.

“Yeah. He’s on his weekly Robin Hood escapade.” Cadence rubbed the back of his neck, massaging a little as he thought about what could have happened. If Virgil’s out looking in the Imagination for Roman, then something bad bad must have happened. “If Roman’s there, he might’ve seen him, or he could’ve gone to the backstage. I can text out the sleepover squad really quick to check.”

The sleepover squad? Virgil was just now realizing how little he knew about the Roman advising group. Were they in groups? Was that just another nickname for someone? It could’ve been the Damsel, Prince, whatever, he had a bit of a sleeping beauty thing going with the Dragon?

Wait, last time they were here, the Playwright was  _ so _ strict about the whole period-attire thing. Was Marlowe just letting them have cellphones now? “You all...have phones now?”

“Duh. Our resident Belasco finally let up with the rules, so Davy made us phones,” Cadence took his out of his sweatpant pocket, and Virgil could see his fingers fly on the keyboard, “Usually Princess has his ringtone on, but he takes forever to type back.”

Virgil was just barely following. Who the hell was Belasco? He could figure out who Davy was, that was most likely David. Princess? Phillip was the Prince, technically, right? 

The nicknames weren’t helping untie the knot in his stomach, that was for sure. Virgil leaned back on his seat, legs pulling up and crossing on the cushion as he watched Cadence send off the message. 

“Phillip?” he tried for clarity.

“Yes. So. It’s been a while, and you’re still cute as a panic button. What’s been new?”

“Uh, not much.” This must have been Cadence’s attempts at small talk, but damn did Virgil feel left out of some loop here. The nicknames were a bit alienating, the Tree was even more unfamiliar (Eric used to have weapons all over the place, where were they now?) and Cadence was looking at him like he expected an answer, which he did, and that was fair because this was a conversation, but Virgil didn’t know what he should say, how do you talk to your ex-boyfriend’s support group? “Thomas has been going out with a guy—”

“Nico?” Why was he at all surprised that Cadence knew who Nico was. Virgil watched him lean forward, hands shaking excitedly as his face split into an excited grin. Cadence and Marlowe were hypothetically the big romantics in here, last Virgil heard. 

“Nico Flores? You mean the man who stole our hearts and more? Amor, pun intended! I’m  _ very _ aware of Nico Flores,” Cadence sounded giddy as he spoke, and he pressed his hands up to his cheeks, the little heart on his cheek seeming to beat once, twice. Virgil raised his eyebrows at it. The fuck? “He brought us flowers to that dinner once and I haven’t stopped dreaming of him since.”

There was that, then. All of the Roman sides were pretty romantic, last Virgil remembered, but some were more so than others. Even Gavin got all excited when they’d talk about dating, in that way kids do when they think about dates and love. Virgil knew that that didn’t get brought up a lot around him, though. No one really wants the Child’s opinion on adult romance, and that’s for the best.

Regarding romance, though, while all of the Romans were pretty head-first into the concept, Virgil knew at least one who might be more reserved. And he hadn’t ever actually gotten the chance to hear what the Thief thought about Nico.

That might be good. Virgil trusted Eric’s judgement. “Yeah. What does, uh, Eric think of him?”

“Oh, Eric loves him, too. We all do,” Cadence’s tone dropped just a little, just enough to indicate that Virgil might have broached the wrong subject. It couldn’t have been a point of contention, how much they loved Nico, could it? “My dark heart’s a little hesitant, of course, but he’s happy we went for it. I can tell.” 

Weird. Eric was a part of Roman, and Roman really threw himself full body into talking to Nico, so Virgil could see how he wouldn’t be too held back. Just because he was pretty anxious too didn’t make him, well, Anxiety. You know? But hearing that there was some part of Roman that was hesitant was both calming and weird. 

As the romantic side, wouldn’t you want Roman to be confident in his crushes? 

Wasn’t it good that Roman was a little cautious with Thomas’ heart? 

Both could coexist, Virgil figured. A darker part of his mind thought, wouldn’t things have worked out better if Roman had been just as cautious with his own heart? But that thought wasn’t for now. 

His hands balled on his knees, and he gave Cadence a small smile. He was glad, at least, that the other guys were all excited at the possibilities of a romance. “I’m glad. Glad to see you’re all doing well, too.”

“Thanks,” Cadenc e sighed, “I know we’ll make this romance work.”

Virgil hoped so, too. But before he could add on, Cadence shot him a grin again. “I wish you’d come in more. Don’t tell him I said this, but Prince Ali would love to see you more, but don’t tell him I told you that.”

Virgil chuckled. Prince Ali was Aladdin that one time, right, so….Eric? Eric missed him? That...felt kind of nice. “Sure, I won’t. And I’ll see what I can do.” 

He’s pretty glad that they don’t hate him. The Romans’ hostility towards all of the other Sides made it easy for Virgil to think that they’d hate him, too. And of all of the Roman advisor sides people, the last one Virgil thought would have wanted to hear from any of Thomas’ Sides was Eric. He was pretty protective of Roman last time he talked to all of them. 

What would the Thief think of the argument? If Roman was at the castle, then maybe he told Eric. Maybe he told Draco and Phillip, too. Virgil could see them all suggesting Roman make some distance after that argument and he couldn’t really blame them. 

Virgil knew that, sometimes, when you’re in a bad spot, it’s just good to see no one at all. He got it. He’d lock himself in his own room for hours, sometimes even days, because the idea of even talking to anyone was so much. That dragged Thomas down, often indicated a pretty bad mental patch, because Thomas wouldn’t want to talk to anyone, either. But sometimes he needed the space. Other times it was just bad, but sometimes it was worth the space to breathe. 

Knowing all of that didn’t make Virgil feel any less worried. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he made a mental note to give Patton more thanks for the times he stood outside of his room after Virgil had a breakdown. This whole worrying about peoples’ mental healths thing was kinda hard. 

Cadence’s phone buzzed, just then. And he checked the text, snorting when he opened it. 

“Phillip types like….old,” he said with a sigh, reading the text aloud. 

That wasn’t much explanation, in Virgil’s opinion, but somehow, it perfectly described what Cadence began to read. He put on a full voice, even mimicking Phillip’s soft trans-atlantic accent.

“‘My Dearest Cadence,’ with a whole line break,” Cadence said with a grin, “‘It’s certainly worrisome to hear that Roman left the Mindscape. We have not seen him at the castle. Draco and Eric’s flighty fight tore a hole through at least two floors today, which will be troublesome to fix when we get around to it, but made it evident that Roman was not home. Typically, when Roman is present to bear witness to their idiocracy, he chastises them for the destruction. You mentioned Virgil is present, though. Does that mean this is a concerning situation? Should I call for a council meeting? With your everlasting guidance and support, Phillip’”

“A council meeting? Does that just mean getting everyone in one place?” Virgil asked. 

“Yeppers. That’s probably for the best, if you’re worried about Princey,” Cadence hummed, texting back a response quickly. 

Getting to talk to all of them would be good, but Virgil could….see. How it would be a little weird for them to just see him. Don’t get him wrong, he’d be excited to see all of them, but he also didn’t want to raise alarm for nothing. If Roman was just in the backstage with David and Marlowe or something, or if he was even in another world not talking to any of them, then that was fine. Virgil just had a bad feeling about this argument. And this isolation. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was just anxiety, as usual. 

But something told him, deep in his chest, that there was something much more intensely wrong. And he wasn’t about to let that fester. 


End file.
